Being next on our agencies list has brought me to a new level in this waiting process. What was once on the back burner, is now nearer than ever. What my heart guarded, my dreams and thoughts are now unchaining. Visions of her hands, her smile, her eyes, her laugh, surround my dreams these days. I still have yet to open completely, but the reality is there like never before...I am soon to be a mom.
Recently, I've also found myself drawing closer to God. Reading books I haven't read since my mission trip to India. Books like Keith Green's "A call in the Wilderness" and Amy Carmichael's "A Chance to Die". I find God giving me strength during what is one of the biggest faith steps I have ever taken. Because, accompanying my dreams of Lauren, are doubts and fears. Fears that she won't love me back, fears that attachment won't occur. Fears...which I know are the opposite of faith. I continue to push the fears aside and wait and believe that the words I heard from God years ago, are still true today.
An additional challenge lately has been my pediatric rotations for school. I am thoroughly enjoying the children and learning all I can to provide the best care I can for them. However, each time I sit and talk to a mom about the importance of attachment, benefits of breastfeeding, Trust vs. Mistrust phase of infancy, evidence that leaving a child to cry for long periods of time is not healthy...my heart tightens.
Dan and I watched Fireproof tonight and when I heard this song by John Waller, I thought, I've got to put that on my blog. The words could have been written by me right now.
9 comments:
Mardi I love this post. You will be an amazing mom and Dan a wonderful father. Your daughter is almost here.
What a powerful post Mardi. The fact that you are as educated and "tuned in" to the whole attachment and bonding aspect of parenting makes me confident that you and Dan will do exceedingly well with it.
This is a very exciting and scary point in the wait....there's no doubt about that! It's the downhill part of the rollercoaster ride that makes you want to scream with excitement and puke at the same time.
I am just dying to see Lauren's face...and fingers and toes for that matter. She's in my thoughts and prayers.
I have those same concerns and fears. God has that perfect plan we don't know about and, on request He will give you the perfect wisdom to handle any issues.
Lauren has a good future ahead of her. Her mommy and daddy are going to teach her how to ski & do all kinds of fun stuff. How awesome is that!
Terri
That song is great. I've never heard it before...
You and Dan are amazing people and this long long wait ... as hard as it has been... can only make you better parents. You are ready and you are going to be awesome parents!! I already know you are incredible people! I know I say this all the time, but I am going to be sooooo over the moon when I see you with Lauren. It will get me through our next few months of waiting!!! :)
Oh Mardi...I hear you! The whole attachment thing is freaking me out right now. Everything is happening so fast and there seems to be so many things to do, I just want to stop time and enjoy it all. I want to focus on him and not think about work, doctor appointments, showers, and organizing everything for his room. I am trying to read everything and just hold him as much as I can. I know someday I will wish I could go back and just savor every little look and sound he makes right now. I can hardly wait to swap stories and advice with one another and have our little ones meet. Love you!
Mardi, While I have not walked exactly where you are walking...I have had the fears that come from a bit too much knowledge! :) My initial worry on discovering I was having triplets was that I couldn't nurture each one adequately...after their way-too-early arrival and subsequent time in the NICU, I began to fret about all sorts of other things (attachment, etc)...can I just assure you that our God is a HUGE God. He can overcome all obstacles and he cares about all the details. Rest in him, sweet friend. He will bind you and Lauren in ways you can not even begin to imagine right now. And He will meet your every need! Praying over here!!
I just got goosebumps all over reading this post. It's beautiful. Everything you're feeling right now is where so many of us have been. God directed us on this journey as well, and it has been a journey I couldn't imagine our lives without. Listen to HIS voice and pray for Lauren...whatever He places on your heart. There were certain things we felt at certain times we needed to pray for S.G., and then we found out that during that time, changes were taking place in her orphanage. It was answered prayer, and we are still amazed by it to this day. I'm so excited for y'all and can't wait to see this precious baby we've been waiting on with you for so long. Oh, she is so worth the wait!!
You're so close I can almost taste it for you!!! lol! ; )
So, are you biting your nails yet? Saying a prayer for you.... I so hope you are in this batch!!
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